I waited for years for the right time to tell my father how much I loved him. In my family, we take things for granted. We neither express our feelings of dislike nor we go out of our ways to show our like for certain things. We normally keep things to ourselves.
As I now sit watching his framed pictures of the good old times; I feel a sense of regret for not able to tell him how much I loved him. There were things that I have done in life that my father did not approved of; but my father was always there at the end. He may not be content about how things turned out to be with all of his children; but he knew that we all had our limitations.
As he is laid to rest in a quiet room to himself; I could only imagine that his spirit is forever lingering in heaven wondering how I will be in the years ahead. He had much hope for me and the other children; but for me he was always very indicative.
He had much expectations for all of us; but he never made it a priority...We can in our own ways choose our own paths to success. One thing that never changed in his eyes was the fundamental importance of being educated and exposed to the world.
My father once said that "humanity is like flowers in the beautiful garden", "It is the responsibility of man kinds to ensure that its true beauty is kept for generations to come." So, I have learned to travel the world at a very young age because my father always encouraged me to see the world by immersing in it. Understanding of cultures can only be achieved by living it, he once said.
As I contemplate on those words of wisdom; they were after all my guiding lights. I may have not remembered these words of wisdom when I made certain decisions; but they were instilled in me by my father. They are deeply rooted in my subconscious which made me who I am today.
What I have learned about compassion was to be able to share knowledge, wealth with other humans and other living things regardless of creed, sexual orientation, status and racial boundaries. They are acts that often reflected by the subconscious and not having to think twice. Hence, to my father, these were compassionate thoughts and actions. And to never expect anything in return.
There are much to be learned from old Chinese men of merchants. My father once told me that when the Chinese landed in Cambodia; most of the times, they had nothing, but determination to accept their surroundings and make the best of them. They called their surroundings their homes. Determination is what sets them apart..from trash collectors to becoming some of the wealthiest Cambodians have ever seen. It is not that the Chinese were smarter, but it is more of their determination and their ability to cope with their surroundings and make the best of them.
About women and marriages...He was always clear that thou shall not get involved when thou art not ready....very concise yet powerful indeed.
I am indebted to my father for his grace, his willingness to listen and shared his experiences to me and my siblings.
I am sitting here contemplating on things of the past during the next five days before we lay his soul to rest and his body cremated...I could only imagine the goodness of a man whom I have come to know of being a great father.
In loving memory of you, daddy..RIP.
Johnny
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