A Prisoner of My Own Conscience

Day in and day out..again and again!  I wonder why things have to be this way?  It is what I have done in life that now have completely control my life.  The last thing that I want in life is to be unhappy for me, my family and my friends to laugh at for who I have become as a person.

It has been over ten years now since I have embarked on a Journey of Transition; but the me that I used to know is not really me any more.  What have I become? A grown man, mature, yet become engulfed with so much of the worldly things that I totally forgot who I really was?  Was it worthwhile?

The question now is whether decisions made were really worthwhile?....I have tried to be true to myself yet Not Honest with my inner self.  I have grown to be somebody that wanted a sense of self-worth, inner pride, wanted to be rich at the price of others....Is this what I want?  Have I grown mad with the habitual things that have engulfed me and my soul?

Obviously, there is self-doubt of who I really am? Yet one thing that is still true is that I still have my head held high with much hope and dreams. It is today that I am beginning the change process.  For I know that it will not be an easy road ahead; but if I am to be me again, I shall fight and persevere.  And I know that my conscience will at the end prevail.

The question of when and how are left to be said and known.  They are apart of a change process.  The question of who I want to be remains a mystery because I yet realized Who I Want To Be...If the Conscience is right, then the need to Want To Be is already written in my sub-conscience.  I only need to uncover the mysteries of those lost souls...Once, they were there...Maybe, they were just forgotten...

A beautiful path is long and treacherous.  Precise planning must be thought through.  Any miscalculations or mis-steps will hinder my hope to recover and will lead me off the course. It is extremely difficult to be going through the process again and again...Yet I know that my ultimate goal and objective are so near YET seems so very far indeed....

I am a Prisoner of My Own Conscience...

(Johnny Chuon, Sunday @10/24/10)